[personal profile] magister
Things I learned from The Dark Knight Rises.

Being punched in the kidneys can cure a fractured spine.
Bane is not a terrifying force of nature. He is actually a short man in a body warmer who talks like Derek Nimmo if he got his head stuck in the biscuit tin looking for the last custard cream.
Amongst his weapons are such diverse elements as pretension and hitting people in the face.
Gotham City will turn against Commisioner Gordon because he lied to them years ago, not because he is Ned Flanders.
Having turned against him, they will follow a biscuit-thieving Derek Nimmo impersonator wearing a mask that looks like a distended anus.
Batman can turn off the sun.
Owen from Torchwood is always a wazzock.
The two fights between Batman and Bane are going to be some of the most exciting screen fights ever shown, with two masters of martial arts going mano a mano.
The two fights between Batman and Bane are actually two men in visually-impairing masks taking it in turns to throw haymakers at each other for several minutes while they remember whose turn it is to fall over.
Jon Pertwee's fights in Doctor Who were more entertaining. At least there was the fun of looking out for Terry Walsh in a wig.
Michael Caine owns this film.
Michael Caine is only in this film for 15 minutes
This leaves 150 minutes of the film to get through.
Guns are bad. Except when they save our hero's life.
Guns don't kill people.
But bloated overblown films can steal the will to live.
What's that? How did Bruce get from the oddly symbolic pit back into Gotham, which it is impossible to enter? Erm, um... Look! Batman's hitting people! Really slowly!
The moral of this film is not to invest too much in individuals. Gotham learned that when they were let down by Harvey Dent, Gordon and Bane.
Hey, let's put a statue up to Batman! He's some dude with a silly voice who never let us see his face and was suspected of murder for 8 years. What's that? We shouldn't invest in individuals? Nah, it'll be fine. I mean, it's not like he's just going to up and leave us, is it?
As long as the atomic bomb goes off just over there, we'll be fine.
Fallout? What's that?
So the cancer rate'll be a little high. It's fine. Have you seen our really neat statue?
Gordon's bidding an emotional farewell to Batman. "Bye diddly ho, Batman-erino."
So, just how long has Bruce been sitting in that cafe waiting to look meaningfully at Alfred?

And yet, somehow, an awful lot of critics think this is a genuinely great film. Don't see it, myself.

(no subject)

Date: 2012-12-01 07:12 pm (UTC)
andrewducker: (Default)
From: [personal profile] andrewducker
Yeah.

I wasn't a massive fan of the 1st one either. And the second one was only great because of The Joker.

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James Brough

February 2014

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